Tell your jokes here

Where are all the religion jokes? Oh well, I guess I'll have to post some (Sorry if these offend anybody.)

So, there are these three couples applying for membership at a church: an elderly couple, a mid-aged couple, and a young couple. The priest goes up to the couples and says,
"In order to become members of the chuch, you must abstain from sex for a week."
So, the three couples go off and come back a week later. The Priest walks up to the elderly couple and asks them,
"So, did you abstain from sex for a week?"
They reply,
"Oh, sure. No problem."
"Very good, you are now welcome in the church."
Then the priest walks up to the mid-aged couple and asks,
"Did you abstain from sex for a week?"
"Well, I had to sleep on the couch for the past few days, but we made it."
"Good, welcome to the church!"
Finally, he walks up to the young couple.
"Were you able to abstain from sex for a week?"
The young man looks embarassed, and says,
"Well, we did ok for the first several days. But just yesterday my wife was reaching for a lightbulb on the top shelf, and I just couldn't help myself. We had sex on the floor right there."
"That's terrible! You are most certainly NOT welcome at the church."
"That's ok, we're not welcome at the supermarket any more either."

And one more...

A priest and an atheist are going golfing together. The atheist goes first, and misses. So he shouts,
"God damn it, I missed!"
The priest gets very upset, and tells the atheist not to profane God's name. So a couple holes later, the atheis takes another swing and misses.
"God damn it! I missed!"
"Sir, please stop saying that. You shouldn't use the lords name in a blasphemous way."
A couple more holes later, the atheist does it again.
"God damn it! I missed!"
The priest snaps, and begins to shout at the atheist.
"IF YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE-"
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and hits the priest, leaving only a smouldering crater. The atheist hears a booming voice coming from above that says,
"GOD DAMN IT, I MISSED!"

COMPUTER HELPDESK PHONE RECORDINGS...
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
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Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....
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Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
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Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

Hehe, those are awesome. There's nothin' more funny then the stupidity of people

Re: Magic Man

lordeverkill-what does youre dad do
-Hes a famues magician.
-Okay! Whats his Greatest trick?
-Cuttin people in half.
-Do you have any brohers or sister?
-Yes, a HALFbrother and a HALFsister

This joke is quite tame i no

When I saw that, I thought another joke.

What do you get when you cut zergling in half??
- Halfling.

Here's a WoW joke I thought up....

Earlier today in the barrens, I ambushed this rogue named midnight and he was all like "omg rofl PWNED!!!1!!one!!2!!" then he assploded then when he spirit rezzed he reincarnates into a frog! "WTF NWB HAXXORZ!! I r report u coz u r sploiter" and i was all like "I'm RICK JAMES B!TCH PEW PEW!!" Then he calls his buddies then this hunter named dagnabit shows up. then he shots fireworkz but these fireworks are sploitz coz they broke my *poof* button! then he laughs at me! WTF NWB HAXXORZ I r a rogue and i can pwn you with a pair of safety plastic scissors nwb!"

so dagnabit says "dang kid how old are you" so im like "im so old i pulled a muscle trying to take the lid off a bottle of geritol" "how old are you?" so i says "32". so dagnabit's like "why are you acting like such a nwb?" So i says my inner child has ADD.

then my girlfriend walks in then asks what are you yelling about so i says im talking to my imaginary friend. then she's liek "nobody likes you even your imaginary friend hates you! (Girls are so mean) then she's like "do you know what time it is?" "uhh time for you to leave my room and lemme gank this hunter." "no time to go to work"

omg rofl tomato

so im liek "i feel kinda sick *cough *cough *sniff"
so she's like "ok get in bed then get up early so you can go to your first day on the job you loozr"

and im liek "oh i thought you meant i started today wow i feel better already"
then she calls me bad names and goes away
then this guy named crassius sees all the action and sends me a tell "hey dude wanna group up?"

and im liek "what's that supposed to mean"

and he's like "wanna group up and gank this hunter?"

so im liek "man im not into that kind of stuff i like girls /ignore crassius"

then my buddy popo shows up and he's like in bad shape cause he has leaves and twigs for armor and im liek "popo what happened to you dude" and he was like "st fu nwb" and i was like "dude your cooler than tom jones!! you gotta help me! I'm getting DP by these alliance!"

so he's liek "DP?"

"Double penetrated! they keep gangin up on me so help meh kill this hunter!" and he's liek "no thanks im going to MC coz im uber and your a nwb!!" and he rides off into the sunset on a dinosaur which was cool, how often do you see a cow riding a dinosaur.

So i sneaks up to the hunter and i steals his gun and I'm like "OOOOHH mr hunter whatcha gonna doo i got your gunnn ooo!!!"

But he cant do nothing coz im invisible and he cant see me. So he celebrates the occassion with more fireworks!! And i'm telling my buddy juna this guy's odd he's celebrating about me stealing his gun!! And he's liek yelling "you fking nwb gimme my gun back!!" So i get scarded coz rogues are ubah but he hax. So i drop the gun and run but shotts mer in teh back!! and i died cause gunshots hurt and he gets honor from shooting meh in teh backs!! Then this finger wiggler named annastasia comes up and dances on meh body!! And i'm like "OMG wtf she is so hot!!" so she's like "hey baby, how would you like some of this [Flask of Mojo]" and i'm liek "no thanks i like pie. so you're really a girl in RL?" she says "yup, with sexy blonde hair too."

and i'm like "yea and chances are you're like 300 lbs and smell like sausage" and she's like "no i dont smell like sausage >.<" so i say "but you're 300 lbs?"

- Annastasia is Ignoring You -

So i sees my guildy dkay in WSG with his wife Msdkay and they're getting pwnaged coz they got no rogues and he's like fighting this mage and telling the guild "my wife is a sheep!" and i'm liek "you from tennessee too??". right then gets this tell from brag and he says "d00d come join us in Molten Core" and im liek "dude omw lemme get meh snowballs and super soaker!" and he's liek "huh ? well just hurry up" and i'm liek "you're not the boss of me"

So i gets to molten core and realize i forgot meh pants at teh bank!! so people are making fun of mah green snake and i'm liek "he's just shy" and all the girls are laughing at me so i unsummon mah green water snake and summon meh chicken instead but i still gots no pants and nobody seems to notice.

So while we were waiting for the raid to form up im like "hey juna check out mah epic mount" and she says "awesome, i could sure use an epic mount right now" so i says "oh yah? where'd ya live????'

- Juna is Ignoring You -

Then i hears this gunshot outside meh house and im liek WTF but hillbillies be shotting for no reason so i forgots about it and in 20 mins this ambulance shows up at meh neighbors so i tells the raid "i gotta go afk my neighbor just gots shot and im gonna loot his house before his wife comes home" and they're like "WTF but we're about to kill lucifron!!! so i stays.

so we fightin luci and she's got some splainin to do coz she sploitz alot!!!! i was bashing her with a beer bottle i got from this midget in a bar fight then all the sudden the whole raid turns red and they're mah enemies. Fking traitors!!! so i'm liek killing em all and yelling "YOU !@#$%es tricked me!" and it scarded them cause they all turned to mah side again. so im like "2 can play this game" so i gets this idea coz i like to think in mah box and stuff so i gets mah mechanical yeti to help me pwn them but he's like LLEERROOY JENNNNKKINNSS and !@#$% runs up and pwns this imp instead. karr is like "get yoru head out of your asswwwwwwwwdddsssaa1212121121" stupid nwb yeti so i hits mah *poof* button and vanishes and the imps get pissed off and wipes the whole raid but i live cause rogues are ubernest. im so smooth cant believe im not butter.

so mah guild leader dkay sends me a tell asking why i wiped the raid and im like "they all attacked me! they all conned red!!!" and he's like "dude you were mind controlled" and im like "no im not the voices in my head DO NOT CONTROL ME !!! so he boots me from teh guild.


Don't laugh if ya don't understand it...

lol im not sure if its already said but no offence its ONLY a JOKE (this joke from a friend)
how much men does it take to open a beer can?
none its the womens job

Heres a few i know i made the first one up myself.

A woman and her 4 children were in her husbands NEW car driving along an old road that was up a steep hill. A kangaroo (australian animal) jumped out in front of the car and the lady swerved off and rolled down the steep hill. 3 of the children died and one had suffered major injury the lady was fine apart from a few scratches. She picked up her mobile and rang her husband.
She said "Oh honey i just rolled the car off a steep hill 3 of our children are dead and the other one is uncounsious."
The man said nothing.
The woman said "Honey are you there come on i need your help!"
The man then replied "OH GOD IS THE CAR OK!?"
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A blind man walked into a bar and said "Would anyone like to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar tender replied "Im 6"2 female wrestling champion of the world and im blonde. One of my friends is 6"1 and is the female kickboxing champion of the world and shes blonde. My other friend is 6"0 and is Ninjitsu champion of the world. Would you still like to tell that joke?"
The man replied with "No i dont want to have to explain it 3 times."

lol yep the cars all that matters

I have a friend named Jaril and I ask him, "What number is on the 9-ball?" and his brain burned.

lol just kidding couldnt think of anything

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

FACTS

1 Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2 Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3 Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

4 Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

5 Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

very nice joke. but they also speak englisch in holland. in amsterdam and stuff

Oh boy... I suppose certain jokes involving... well here's a sample;

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail the other hand to the floor

Those are right out I s'pose. Hmm....

Why can't people order food at Mcdonalds?
Because chicken selects

Get it? ....Well, I thought it was funny...

Well I'll be...

Someone just came back from the dead...

ZOMG!! a zombie!!