over here (england) we have cuck coo clocks... im guessin its the same thing (a clock which a ickle birdy pops out every hour)
----------------------------- And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood."
"They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has" -------------------------------
well, the original gang\cult whatever you want to call them, called themselves klu klux klan, or kkk. so the joke would probably be klu kluck klock. -------------------------------------------------------- And while we're on christian jokes:
Its kinda long and if you think jesus is near ok, this might offend you. please, I don't want any flame for this. It is obviously not serious, its a joke. However, givin that it might offend someone, I shall not oppose any mod taking it down.
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
* From the desk of Karl **
1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. 2. Use alcohol in moderation. 3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you. 4. Eat right. 5. Hank dictated this list Himself. 6. The moon is made of green che.ese. 7. Everything Hank says is right. 8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. 9. Don't use alcohol. 10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments. 11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green che.ese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green che.ese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it che.ese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports) and from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
A gross ignoramus = 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. A room temperature IQ. Bright as Alaska in December. Donated his body to science before he was done using it. Fell out of the family tree. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. He's so dense, light bends around him. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. One neuron short of a synapse. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations: He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. I would not allow this employee to breed. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
Here are some actual (alleged) logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident:
(QANTAS actually stands for Queensland And Northern Territory Air Service)
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution or action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
623 posts Just above your head, in the big bad storm cloud.... joined
#83
Xeridanus this one was boring, too big (the hank one was big but it was so fun that bind me to the joke 'til the end)
and i didnt understand half of the half i read of it, really
===========
A "truck rider" stopped by some middle-road restaurant called Caipira's - Explanation time:There is a especial type of chicken called chicken "Caipira" which can be only found in some special "places were they raise chickens" (dunno the name in english, therefore i will call it GRANJA)
continue...
he stopped by the restaurant and asked for the maid:
-I want a chicken caipira, the best one in the house, bring it to me before you kill it so i can check it
-This one is good enoguh for you sir?
The truck man stick his fingers in the chicken's ass, then it licks it
-You lied to me, this chicken is not caipira, its from the "Granja Javier"
-My mistake sir, i will get another
the maid then brings other chicken... and the man stick its fingers in the chicken's ass and lick them...
-This one is not caipira either, its from the "Granja Santa Maria"
then the maid go get another one... the man stick the fingers...(you know the rest)...
-Excellent! this one is caipira, you can cook it!
by this time a very drunken man who were vomiting in the next table (and watching all the process) come by the truck man's table and take off his pants...
-Excuse me, but i've been drinking since last night, can you please tell me where im from?
My last joke has a lot of its humour in english, maybe translating it, it loses its funny. Oh well.
MORE JOKES!!! ------------------------------------------------------
Never Question a Drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A Litre of milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
There are three men in an aeroplane when it starts to have engine trouble. An Australian, an Irish man, and a Japanese man. They decide to throw some stuff overboard to lighten the load. The Irish man throws a heap of potatoes overboard saying "we've got plenty of these at home." The japanese man throws a heap of computers and electrical gadets overboard, saying "we've got heaps of these at home." The aussie looks around, theres nothing he really wants to get rid of. So he throws the japanese and irish men out saying, "we've got plenty of these at home."
I loved that Bill Gates joke (page 3 I think) and so, I have one too. Enjoy!
[quote]Bill Gates dies. And because he did a lot of things on Earth, God calls him to audience. God: Bill, you've done a lot of things on Earth, so I'm going to let you choose the place to rest for an eternity. Bill: Umm, God, do you think you could let me go for a while in hell, for a while in heaven, and then I'll tell you? God: Sure, one week in hell, one week in heaven. Good luck!
First, Bill goes to hell. Gorgeous chicks, good music, a lot of drinks... For a week, Bill has a lot of fun.
Then, he goes to heaven. This place lacks chicks, only angels, almost no food, only classical music... Not so great.
In the end, Bill returns to god.
God: Well Bill, did you make a decision? Bill: After thinking a lot, and comparing the advantages and disadvantages, I choose hell. God: Are you sure Bill? Bill: Of course.
Bill goes to hell. After a week, God goes to hell to see how's Bill doing. The poor man is stuck in boiled mud, up to his neck.
Bill: God, what have you done to me? The first time I came here, the place was awsome. It had gorgeous chicks, lots of drinks and cool music. And now, it's this. What happened to the place I saw two weeks ago? God: Well Bill... It was just a demo!
thing i heard in a long time
