A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead". "OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?" GOD says, "So you would like them." "OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?" "So you would LOVE them", GOD replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?" GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Don't know about other countries, but in Holland we have wall plug that look a bit like noses of pigs.
oh rite.. im from england ours are 3 pin plugs...
werewulflol, thats so funny...but im not an airhead..
sry no offense meant
Edit: Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
-Three guys are on a dererted island somewhere in the pacific ocean, suddely god appears and says "I will grant you one wish each" the first guy says "I wish I was home drinking a Cola" "Poof" and he was gone. The second guy says "I wish I was home drinking a beer" "Poof" and he was gone. Then it was the third guy's turn, and he said "hmm it's awefully quite here, I wish those other two guys were back here to keep me company!" "Poof".
-Three guys go to a magic swimmingpool. When you jump off the diving board you say what you want the pool to be filled with and it is suddenly filled with what you said. The first guy walks up to the divingboard and says "Coca Cola!" he jumps, and the pool has indeed been filled with Cola. The second guy walks up to the diving board and says "Beer!" he jumps, and the pool has suddenly been filled with Cola. Then the third guy walks up to the divingboard, he want's to do a special trick, so he prepares to jump, he slips and says "SH*T!".
________________________________ An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer ... you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators; the engineer soon becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators! And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!"
God exclaims: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan, standing his ground, challenges: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God replies threateningly: "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?" _____________________________ There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"
He said, "Why, yes I am!"
So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!" ____________________________
623 posts Just above your head, in the big bad storm cloud.... joined
#67
the lawyer one was hell funny
A gay dies of AIDS and goes to heaven, saint Peter then look closely to him: pink jeans, raibow-colored t-shirt, earring in both ears, and a very languid look in his/her face
saint Peter say with some disgust to him: Go to the waiting room and take this pill
the little fruit goes happily to the waiting room and swallow the pill, short after, he/she feels an immense will of making sh!t (ya know, the solid thing we do in the bathroom). the gay spends almost 2 hours making the sh!t, when she/he is done, she goes argue with saint Peter...
-Wooo Peteeee! i have been almost 2 hours in the waiting room, can i enter heaven now my darling?
-No. go to the waiting room and take this other pill
the fruit goes to the waiting room and swallow the pill, again, she/he feels urge to make sh!t. the gay spends almost 10 hours making it, and felt great pain. when he/she done, she goes argue with "Pete" again
-Peteee my baby, its been half of the day and i still dont enter heaven. can i enter now?
saint Peter looks carefully to the gay (scrambled clothes and aheel of a smell ) and dtects the same languid look the gay had when he/she entered heaven's gates so he says
-Almost done. go to the waiting room and take this super pill
the fruit goes to the waiting room a little upset about taking another pill. as you already know, the gay went to the bathroom and ame the biggest sh!t it made in her/his whole lifetime. 2 full days just making sh!t, the fruit even expelled blood and intestines
full of pain and all scrambled, "the now not too nice gay bi*ch" runs all mad to saint Peter...
-WTF YOU GAVE TO ME! THERES BEEN 2 AND A HALF DAY ONLY MAKING SH!T AND I STILL DONT ENTER HEAVEN!!!
sait Peter look carefully to the angered fruit and nodes with satisfaction:
-Do you understand now whats the real use for the ass?
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete." __________________________________
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
here are some jokes I found on internet. What is red and green? What is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender
Star Dreck Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise's toilet? A: The Captain's log.
Holy Water Three men go to a church and ask to be forgiven for their sins. The priest asks the first man what he did. The man replies, "I robbed a bank. " The 2nd man tells the priest he killed a man. The priest says that is really bad and to go drink the holy water and he will be forgiven. The third man starts to laugh, so the priest asks him, "And what sin have you committed?" The third man replies, "I pissed in the holy water"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
623 posts Just above your head, in the big bad storm cloud.... joined
#71
lol
another devilish one
Carlos was a very bad man, he was a wifefu*ker, thief and drugdealer
one day he died during a robbery, and of course, he go to hell
Satan then welcomed him: -Greetings Carlos! For the sins you commited in life, you pay eternally in your death. But since you helped me so much with your crimes in the upper world, i shall give you 3 choices of suffering
Satan then leads him to a big peak with many people carrying blocks to the top -Here the souls are condemned to carry these imense blocks of 2 tons to the summit of the peak, just to throw then from there and having to catch them in the base of the peak, restarting the labor for all eternity....Do you want this suffering?
-Noo! Let me see the other options!
Satan the lead him to a living fire road with many beggar-life people are walking on -Here the souls are condemned to search for their lost limbs in this road of fire for all eternity, some of their eyes, ears and arms are hidden in many places in the end of this road of 5 thousand miles where in the end, they must sacrifice another limb to "keep playing my game". Do you want this suffering?
-Argh no! Let me see the last one...
Satan then leads Carlos to a tiny room where there is a naked blond tied up to a bed where 5 men keep fu**ing her
Satan would begin to explain this suffering but Carlos interrupt him (being a nasty pervert his whole life)
-I want this one Satan! i want this!
-Very well...
Satan then locks up him. Carlos was veryexcited already when he hears an voice from nowhere
-Hey guys, we got a new costumer so you can untie the girl now...
--------------------------------- Its white, it hangs on the wall and it kills negros:
a Kluck Klux Clock --------------------------------- A Belgian, a Frenchman and a turkish man are sitting in a car. The Belgian sticks his hand out of the car and says: We are in Belgia(dunno the englisch word). THe other two look suprised to him and 1 says: How do u know that? Belgian:Ive a sack of fries in my hand. The Frenchman sticks his hand out of the car and says: We're in Franch. How do u know that? Frenchmen: I've a bottle of wine in my hands. The Turkish guy sticks his hand out of the car and says: Were in Turkije(dunno the englisch word). How do ye know that? Turkish guy: My watch is gone.
PS: I found these on the internet. I didnt come up with em myself.
This one is like one of the other jokes, but better. (its got elephants instead of a monkey) (try to work out the answer before reading it)
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? cos he was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? cos he was attached to the first elephant.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? cos he thouht it was a game.
Why did the tree fall over? cos he thought he was an elephant. -------------------------------------------------------- It was so cold last winter, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets! -------------------------------------------------------- An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the crocodile."
Moral: Old men might walk slow but they can still think fast
Hmz.. about my joke of the kluck klux clock, it isnt funny in englisch I just noticed cuz in holland u have a 'koek koeks klok' and that loks like kluck klux klok, but what is a koekkoeks klok called in englisch?
ours are 3 pin plugs...
the lawyer one was hell funny 
) and dtects the same languid look the gay had when he/she entered heaven's gates so he says
cuz in holland u have a 'koek koeks klok' and that loks like kluck klux klok, but what is a koekkoeks klok called in englisch?